Today, I awoke with angst and a large knot in my chest. I’m finding it difficult to breathe; yet my ailment is not medical, it’s spiritual.
I Have a Dream
For a long time now I’ve been writing a blog. My consistency is hit or miss based on inspiration and motivation. My writing has been along the line of vignettes of my day-to-day life focusing on being mindful and joyful in the little things. I have acquired a list of supportive readers who are my biggest cheerleaders, and I appreciate every single one of them.
The problem is I still have the feeling of a small child identifying as an artist but at the beginning of her journey crudely drawing houses and stick people with her crayons. The artist is waiting to come out, but the skills are still being honed. The feedback she receives is positive but skewed by those who just don’t understand that the child doesn’t want to play small anymore. She doesn’t want to color with crayons.
She wants to graffiti.
In the last few weeks, I have been attempting to make faltering steps towards playing it bigger…changing the crayons for colored pencils. I have been designing and building a new website. Then, the time came to push publish and pay the fees, and I choked. The money was too much to spend, and the time commitment was too much. I went back to my old site, purchased a theme, and started to try and get that to work. My dreams could wait a little longer until I saved some more money, paid off the cars and had more time.
I then spent the rest of the day working on a new design and feeling more and more underwater as I just didn’t have the knowledge base for what I wanted to do. But I had now spent $80 on a theme with no possibility of getting it back, as well as shelling out for hosting for 3 years on this particular site. I felt even more trapped.
As I worked, I realized that the knowledge required to get my site where I needed it was far greater than what I had. In order to achieve my goals, I would have to go back and get some more education on web design or pay for a designer. Quickly the cost in my head was far outweighing the cost of the previous drag and drop website…and more importantly, it wasn’t what I wanted to do.
But I spent $80!
Then, I woke up this morning with an elephant on my chest. I felt overwhelmed and defeated. Sometimes, I think life is easier when you don’t have any dreams…easier, but certainly not as fulfilling. Perhaps that’s where some vices stem from…alcohol or drugs or food...to drown out the voice of unfulfilled dreams. I toyed around with the idea that I should just give up and go learn how to knit. Oh, I was in it with my whole self…a real middle-aged pity party.
The one thing I love about our brains is how out of left field a concept can hit you when you’re not focusing on the problem. Sitting down to do my daily work, I was fully immersed in my work when it hit me.
What if I chose myself?
What if I took a gamble and instead of spending all my precious energy lamenting my lack of resources and education decided my dream was worth a shot and just got on and did something about. What if I spent the money I needed and just got on with it? What if I made mistakes and instead of paying some sort of penance for it, treated the mistake like taking a course in what not to do.
What if I chose me?
Choosing yourself does not need to result in an abrupt change in circumstances; although, it can. Choosing yourself is a change in mindset. It is going from what is the cheapest and least inconvenient way for me to achieve my dreams and not upset anyone to this is the boat we’re sailing on…what is the best way to make it float.
For me, it’s taking the mistake element off the table. I’m going to make mistakes. It’s new territory, but perhaps making small mistakes will prevent me from making the real big ones…like not pursing my dream at all.
The interesting thing about choosing yourself is after you’ve put to bed the issue of pursuing your dream a new perspective presents itself. You realize that in some way perhaps not choosing yourself due to all the wonderful reasons listed above is not only about you choosing yourself, but also provided an excellent excuse…
For not doing the work.
And for not protecting your time.
If you’re reading this, I decided to take the plunge and choose myself and do the work. Now instead of feeling trapped by indecision, I feel a big, huge dose of imposter syndrome.
But feel the fear and do it anyway, right?